American Football & My Love of It

 

It's been 3 years since I last wrote a blog & a lot has happened in my life. I'm in a much better place these days mentally than I was when I 1st started writing my blogs. I finally got out of the hell hole that was the sheltered housing I was in for nearly 3 years & am now in a secure flat of my own (with a housing association). 

As I said things have changed for me over the last three years (well they have for lots of people due to that microscopic wanker Covid 19). I actually found lockdowns not too bad & came out of it rather unscathed, one of the most surprising things to come out of this was an opportunity to go back to something that was a huge part of my life that had been cruelly taken away from me. 

 I love American Football & have since I was about 6 & first saw it on the tv at my uncles house. Football was a massive part of my life for many years until 2011 when I came out as transgendered & had it all taken away by the vindictive lies of two people who set me on a very negative path when they took it all away from me - In order for me to get to where I am now regarding football I have to go back & look at the negative impacts 2011 had on me, this so you can see how difficult it is for me to play football again & the battle I'm facing to get fit. 

I'm not going to go in too deep regarding what happened to me when I came out as transgendered in 2011 & the abuse I suffered at the hands of two people (who shall remain nameless but they & many others know who they are). It would be so easy to go on one & rant about all the shit that happened to me at their hands - The me of 2011 may well have listed everything but I'm not that person anymore... I've grown  Anyway to cut a long story short I was subjected to lies, false accusations, broken promises & over a year of being strung along before it was all taken away from me in a kangaroo club court.  

By the end of things I was too burnt out & exhausted to put up a fight, I just let it go & let these people have their victory. At that point I thought I'd never play football again & a huge part of my life was over. The unfairness of it all really got to me & I sank into a deep depression. I had zero motivation to do anything & I started to comfort eat even more than before. My weight ballooned & I became diabetic. I made a couple of half hearted attempts at doing the gym or swimming but I struggled to sustain anything as my drive was well & truly gone. My former team mates/friends had no idea at the time what was going on as I couldn't tell them about the bullshit I was being accused of because it would potentially ruin any chance I had of being able to clear my name & return as I said above by the end of things I was too burnt out to even want to explain to them - What I didn't know then was I was the second player to suffer this fate & be driven out & I certainly wasn't the last.                                                                                                                                                                                

After being kicked out I couldn't bare to see anything related to my former team & seeing my facebook feed full of ex team mates posting about games became too painful so I ended up disappearing & unfriending them as my life was going in a different direction. I did keep in contact with one or two of my ex team mates that had gone home to America & I occasionally bumped into some around the area I lived.  I moved on away from football but I had a lot of other demons that came out (all covered in my other blogs).  In all honesty it took me nearly 5 years to get over not being a part of football so much so that I even started to fall out of love watching the NFL, I still watched it but it wasn't the same for me.  I fell back in love with music again & made some amazing new friends (my gig family) & also started to enjoy doing things I'd missed out of due to football. 

2019 - The seeds for me going back to football were planted in May that year (but I didn't know it at the time). Two of my former team mates from when I 1st started playing in Cornwall were over visiting from America. I hadn't seen these guys since 2008 so I was well happy to see them again.  1st up was Garrett (pictured left) over from NOLA. It was cool to reconnect with him again & he didn't give a shit about me being transgendered as it changed nothing in his eyes.                    

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

The next day was one of my closest friends Joe who lives in Michigan. You know you've got a great friendship with someone when you haven't seen them in over 10 years & can pick up like it was only yesterday since you last saw each other. Joe was over on his honeymoon with his wife & had earlier been to see my former team play a game. I hadn't gone because I didn't really want to be around some of the people at the team due to how things ended. Life sometimes throws you into situations you don't really expect & you just have to find as way to deal with it. I was going to meet Joe somewhere away from the others but with things running over it looked like this wasn't going to be possible. I was going to have to see Joe around my former team mates if I wanted to catch up with him so I sucked it up so I could see my friend.   

I'll admit being in the same area as some of my team mates was a weird experience. Some of the guys were friendly to me others just blanked me (thankfully they are nothing to do with my football life these days so I won't miss them). The hardest one of all was coming face to face with the person who drove me out of the club. Sometimes you gotta be the bigger man (or girl in my case) & keep the peace for the sake of others. I really didn't want to be anywhere near this person as they are full of shit but in order to see Joe I bit my tongue & was polite. I sat here listening to this person talking the same old bollocks as before whilst I smiled & engaged  in conversation with him. I did reach out to him later & say I was pleased we'd put things behind us. 

In my eyes I was finally free of the past that had haunted me. Later on that year I got a message from Joe asking me if I'd heard the news that that two people who destroyed my footballing world had left the club/been booted depending on who's opinion you heard.  When I heard the info Joe told me I wasn't surprised. I said to him I was aware of the some of the things that had come to light but I wasn't aware they'd both gone. I'm not going to lie, I was pleased to see that after all the shit I went through at the hands of these two people that they'd finally had some karma inflicted on them.                                                                                                 

2020 - Came along & with it a microscopic wanker in Covid19 that ground the world to a halt.  At the time I was struggling with my health, my diabetes was not in a good way & my Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue syndrome was kicking my ass. I'd been diagnosed with Fibro/CFS 2 years previously & everyday I am in constant pain. I'd been trying numerous combinations of pain killers trying to find the right balance where I could function.  At it's worst I can barely walk from one side of my bedroom to the other to use the bathroom. sometimes even having a shower results in me needing to lie down for at least an hour before I can get up. I hate this shit as it's no fun living like this, I'm 43 & I've got adapted handles to help me out of the bath or shower.   

  

My weight isn't helping & I was due to have a gastric bypass that July but Covid put paid to that. So I used lock down to start getting my shit together as I barely recognised myself. I started watching what I ate & took walks to pass the time as I couldn't get in the swimming pool. After some walks I was so exhausted I'd fall asleep or be unable to move off sofa for hours.                                        

At Christmas time I was shopping in Tesco's & I bumped into my former QB who was wearing a football hoodie of a team name I'd not seen before. I asked him who the team was & he told me it's the new team they were setting up as they were re-branding from the old team. I was told a bit about what had happened & I surprised myself by asking would he be interested in having me help out coaching as I felt I had a lot to give. He said he had no problem with me coming back but it would have to go before the committee (which was fine by me).  All of sudden I'd gone from not even thinking about football to maybe just maybe being able to be involved again. 

2021 - My year started not the way I'd hoped. I was originally due to have my gastric bypass on 5th Jan & had already spent Xmas being unable to eat proper food due to the diet I was put on for surgery. Sadly things didn't go as planned as on New Years Eve I got the call I'd been expecting - My op was cancelled. Normally these things send me into a depression & I resort to comfort eating or being self destructive but not this time. If I'd have been in hospital then I would have been at an even greater risk of getting Covid due to the operation. I was already in the at risk group so I just saw it as a sign that it wasn't my time yet (at time of writing this 25/5/21 I'm still waiting for my surgery).  For the 1st time since 2011 I managed to keep my weight stable & not put any weight on which was huge for me considering the blow I'd been dealt. I watched as other people in similar positions to me lost it over ate/comfort ate but I was determined not to slip up again.  

 As things got nearer to opening up I reached out to one of the committee members Laura. I hadn't seen Laura in years & we ended up catching up for a bit before I broached the subject of me coming back to football. Laura asked me what the hell happened all those years ago when I left my former club as no one had any idea what happened to me. I spent what felt like hours going through the whole story. Eventually I was told that no one had a problem with me coming back but they a) wanted to make sure I was wanting to come back for the right reasons & not to cause trouble. I told them that I wanted to come back so when the time comes I can leave on my own terms & not have it all pulled away like it was. I also said I'm not looking to cause problems because if I'm allowed back then I've already won when it comes to the two people who kicked me out because I'll be involved with football again.

 The other thing they were worried about was me being transgendered (which I understood). Was I going to be able to cope with comments etc?. 10 years ago I was only just starting hormones & I was all over the place emotionally but these days I'm a lot stronger & I'm comfortable in my skin (or as comfortable as you can be when you're transgendered ha ha).  I told the committee that I accept there will probably come a time where I'm subjected to comments but I've heard it all before (from knuckle draggers) in the street. I'm not stupid enough to react & get a flag thrown. I'll let the refs or other head coaches deal with that crap. At the end of the day I just want to be involved in football again. Well I got the green light to go see what was going on with the team & watch their 1st session back.  

April 11th - The day I thought would never ever come. I headed over to Newquay to go check out The Monarchs 1st training session of 2021. I was nervous as hell, how would things go? would I be accepted? and a tonne of other thoughts went through my mind during my 45 minute drive. I needn't have worried as I was met with smiles from former team mates who were genuinely pleased to see me. I obviously had to explain to a few of them what happened & I apologised for unfriending people years ago due to me being unable to cope. The guys all said I had nothing to apologise for but I felt I needed to so I did. I spoke to the head coach Rich & he just said walk around, check stuff out & see how you feel & how people react to you. I had zero intention of getting involved with anything I just wanted to watch.

 

My intention of just watching lasted about 25 minutes when AK called me over & asked if I could hold a tackle bag so he could run a drill with the running backs. Ok I didn't see what harm this would do nor did I see how this would impact me going forward - I should have really. As I stood there holding the bag a few of the other backs lightly thudded into me & I observed them hitting their holes. Then came AK, I should have seen it coming as AK headed towards me. Bag or no bag AK was gonna pop me for old times sake & he did. At that point I was hit with a wave of emotion, I never realised how much I missed football until that moment. A huge smile came across my face & I said to AK thanks for that as I never realised how much I missed it all until that moment.  

I spent the rest of the session watching other units & soaking up the vibe which was so much better than the last time I'd been here. No one was getting bawled out for the slightest little thing & there appeared to be a much more relaxed atmosphere. The guys were all working in different units due to covid restrictions. I felt so good to be around football once more. The 3 hours passed so quickly & at the end of the session I was asked by some of my old friends was I going to play this year? - Now this was something I'd not even entertained. Sure I was here because I was looking at helping coach but I'd not really thought too much about playing again. In my mind there was no way I'd play this season or at least I thought so. 

I had spoken to Rachel about maybe looking at playing again if I lost some weight & got fitter but that was never going to happen until 2022 & I'd also have to deal with how it would impact my Fibro/CFS. Rachel wasn't overly happy at the thought of me playing again but I said to her look its' going to be a way off so don't worry about it.  So I was asked if I was going to play again? my response was I'm nowhere near fit enough to play, maybe next year & besides I don't have any kit these days. I got told your already fitter than some here & we got 11 weeks until 1st game so you'll be fine. With that I went to the Head coach Rich & asked him do you have a problem if I want to play again. His response go for it. 

Here is my facebook post after going to training...

 9 years ago a huge part of my life was taken away (very deceitfully) from me. Today I got something back. Its funny how life turns out, sometimes when you give up being angry karma steps in & rights a wrong .

I've spent some of the best times of my life (sports wise) playing American football with these guys. I never thought this day would come but today it was like 9 years hadn't passed. I really appreciate how much I was made to feel welcome today

 

When I got home Rachel asked how it went & I told her I'm going to play again. She instantly saw the change in me & my demeanour & with that she said go for it. I think part of this was I'd encouraged her to go back to playing cricket recently. 

So here I am now facing the challenge of trying once more to play football whilst suffering with a long term illness/condition that probably isn't going to go away. If you are reading this you are probably thinking why the hell am I looking at playing again & I don't blame you for thinking so. I'm going to try to explain how I see things & why. Yes I've got a chronic condition & a lot of the time I struggle to do anything due to fatigue/pain so I have to pick my battles. I have 2 choices really...

1) Sit back & accept defeat, yes I'll eventually get my surgery & lose weight but if I carry on the same then eventually the weight will pile back on & I'll end up in same place but even more miserable. This won't help my mental health or physical health so I don't see this as a viable option. 

2)  Go attempt to play football/work in the gym & accept that there will be lots of pain & not moan about it. I chose this option as for me I'm going to be in pain either way, there will no doubt be lots of days where I can barely move but & here's the point - At least I'm doing something (or trying).

Overall Fibro/CFS wins, it always does. There's no way around it so I'll just push myself on Sundays & when I'm pain or too fatigued out to do anything else I'll tap into the positive feeling I've had for playing football. The other benefit to this with any luck I'll be in better shape when I finally get my gastric bypass. 

I'm now 43 I haven't played football in 10 years.  I know (right now) I'm massively unfit but for the 1st time in years I've got a drive & a goal. This is the last time I'm going to mention those two people who took it all away from me back in 2011 because I won & here's how (I'm ending with a positive).

In the overall scheme of things It doesn't really matter if I manage to play an actual game or not because I'm back where I belong trying to play & that makes me a winner. No one can take that away from me.

Thanks for reading this blog, next time I'm going to cover training & working myself back to playing.