Blog #2 - The Mind Says Go... The Body Says NO!
April 12-14th 2021 – After deciding I was going to once again play football, I had the task of trying to get my hands on kit as I’d thrown all my kit away years ago (due to not expecting to ever kit up). I will admit that it felt right at the time but now I realised how much it was gonna cost me to get kitted up again & my bank balance was going to go ouch. Luckily for me I had some help in the form of Rachel & her son Dylan who both wanted me to get back to playing.
Today a nice package arrived with most of what I needed to be ready for Sunday’s session. I was borrowing a set of shoulder pads from the club until I can work out what I need as things are a bit different on my chest than previously - No shit... nine years of HRT will do that to you 😂
I spent a lot of the week leading up to my first training session in a weird headspace. I expected to be really nervous or buzzing with nervous energy but I found myself strangely calm about it all.
18th April Week 1 – Well the day had finally
arrived where I was going to attempt to train/play football. I was a bit
worried as, let’s face it I’m way outta shape, I did wonder if this session was
actually going to kill me, would I have to quit because I was just too unfit,
or would fibro get me?
Once I’d got warmed up, we started to work on some basic drills & here I found out very quickly where I was at & how much it was going to take to get back. We got asked to get down in our 3pt stance & err let’s just say it didn’t happen, my gut was stopping me from doing this so I went in a 2pt stance. We then got told to fire out of our stance my brain fired off & I was moving, my body on the other hand had other ideas. It was about 3 seconds behind my brain & I was moving at the speed of an oil tanker setting off or rather going backwards (it’s a good job I can laugh at myself).
It’s clear my footballing brain was right back in 2011 when I last played but my body was 10 years behind – I found this really frustrating as in my mind at that point I was still 33 not 43 & in the state I am now - Yep time to accept the reality of the situation I'm way on the wrong side of 40. There were a few laughs with the linemen about how slow I was, but I soon got a bit more movement. I even pancaked one of the guys during the session which surprised me, as 9 years of hormone therapy hasn’t left me the strongest of people these days.
Over-all it was a great feeling to be back & a few of my old team-mates commented on how nice it was for them to see me so happy even when getting put on my arse. For me, the biggest positive I could take from the training session was that I made it through the whole session & didn’t quit or die. I kept on telling myself this is the worst its going to be, you’ll never be as bad or unfit as you are right now. I got Jeff to take a couple of pictures of me today to remember in case things didn't pan out so I could say at least I tried but more so that at the end of 10 weeks of training (If I make it that far) I can see if I've lost any weight.
I got home that afternoon very, very sore but happy. My hips were really sore
& I could barely walk & my back was in agony, but I didn’t complain as
I knew this was what was likely to happen. That night however was another
matter. I went to bed earlier as I was unsurprisingly exhausted from training &
very sore from using muscles I’d not used in years. I think I got about 90 mins
sleep before the fibro really kicked in, this flare up was one of the worst I’d
ever had & I spent the whole night in agony, I couldn’t lie on my back, I
couldn’t lie on my side as my hips felt like they were on fire. I also suffer
from restless leg syndrome & that was playing up as well so I couldn’t
settle or keep still. At around 2am I got Rachel to put my tens machine on my
back to try & relieve some of the pain, but it didn’t do much good. At one
point I led there thinking “Who’s stupid idea was this to play football again?”
I dismissed the thought by remembering how good it felt to get hit in
pads.
Monday was a write off for me
& it took me ages to actually get up as the fibro flare up had gone into
overdrive. I was in so much pain & even my touching my arm was incredibly
painful. I had to have Rachel help me get dressed as I was so seized up, I
could barely move. My Chronic Fatigue was having a great day as well as I
needed help moving around the house all day & if I stood up, I had to lean
on things to keep me upright – I bet your wondering if you’re in that much pain
why the hell are you doing this to yourself? At this point I may have been keen
to agree with you but for the point that mentally I felt great about what
happened yesterday. I’d played football again, so I was buzzing & feeling
great my body however didn’t agree. As I told myself yesterday this was the
worst it was going to be as I would eventually get fitter & lose some
weight.
25th April Week #2 – One of the biggest positives about coming back to
football was it gave me the opportunity to reach out to former team-mates who
were once good friends & re-connect. This week I’d been catching up with an
old team-mate, Trevor who I used to jokingly call Dad due to his age & the
fact that we are both Cowboys fans. Trev said he was actually going to be in
Cornwall this weekend & might pop over to training to see us all which was
cool. Today’s session was easier than last weeks & over all things went
pretty well, apart from one play where my body decided to have another senior
moment – this play was the worst play I’ve ever done, my hips just wouldn’t
move & I couldn’t get out of my stance. By the time my hips sort of moved I
ended up doing some sort of hideous chicken wing arm block (that was something like
a former team-mate used to do).
Jeff who was watching found this rather amusing & instantly
found a way to motivate me by saying “That block looked just like” (whilst smirking) "… I didn’t even give him a chance to say said person’s name (who will remain
nameless as the blocking technique they used to use was embarrassing) before
pretending to be angry & pointing at him saying “don’t you ever fucking
refer to me by that name again”. I then demanded that we ran the play again in an
attempt to wipe away my shame. If anything, that crap play had a positive
moment as Jeff making that comment lit a fire under my ass & I had a good
session after that. For Jeff & the other linemen they now know how to fire
me up if I need it.
Towards the end of the session our head coach Richard wanted
to have a chat with me about how I wanted him to deal with me being
transgendered in regard to the rest of the team. We talked about if he wanted
me to announce it to the team or keep it quiet or say something just before the
1st game. My response was why make an issue of it when it appears
that there’s no issue. Everyone seems fine with me & I just want things to
be about the team not about me, look there are enough players here who knew me
when I 1st came out & accepted me so I’m sure they’ll say
something if anything comes up besides If I wanna play with the big boys I gotta
be able to deal with it. At the time of writing, I can honestly say there has
been zero issues from the boys, they’ve all been so welcoming & there have
been lots of laughs & jokes. If anything, it’s been some of the coaches
that have struggled as they used my former nickname or referred to me as he/him/male.
These days I just take it in my stride & laugh as they realise what they’ve
said – As soon as they’ve said it you can see them start to get tongue tied,
trip over their words & totally lose focus for fear of offending me, I’ve
had to say to them “look don’t worry it’s been a long time since I’ve been
around & you’ll make mistakes so don’t get too worried about what you’ve
said. I know you aren’t being offensive you’re just slipping into old habits,
if you still doing it next year we may have issues (ha ha) but right now it’s
more important that you do the coaching & concentrate on what you were
going to say".
Jeff said to me later that day “I do
struggle with things as I accept your transgendered & I have zero problems
with it but I’ve played alongside you for years & your always gonna be
Shaffa to me & one of the boys”. I wasn’t offended by that at all as in
some ways I guess I always will be one of the boys & I accept that. At the
end of the day as I said its about the team not me, If I want to get down &
dirty playing with the big boys, I have to accept certain things & part of
that for me is reassuring team-mates/coaches that I’m not offended when they
slip up. I’d rather them just get on with the job than feel they have to walk on
egg-shells around me – This is where I know how much I’ve grown & changed
as a person.
With things finally starting to look like they were easing, I made the decision to re-activate my gym membership for the beginning of the next month & to attempt to get my ass in gear so I could at least be semi fit for the start of the season.
2nd May Week #3 – Worst session ever, I woke up feeling
like shit (I don’t know for sure if it was a fibro flare up or a 24-hour bug) but I ended up throwing up during the session something I’ve never done
before. I felt so shit I ended up having
to pull out of the session & just watch as I had no energy at all. This frustrated
me massively but living with Fibro/CFS means there will be times when I
really struggle. I knew there would come a session where things went wrong
& how I dealt with it was going to tell me a lot about myself. The last 2
weeks I’d got through on adrenaline & euphoria of being back playing so now
it meant I was going to have to dig deep during the week so I could be ready
for the next session as quitting wasn't an option.
The next day I hit the gym for the 1st time in years. I did 15
minutes on the cross trainer + cool down & 5 mins on upright bike + cool
down. My only real issue was my heart rate going too high on the monitors but
then what do I expect being so fat. Yes, today’s session wasn’t huge, but it
was a start & there’s zero point in killing myself right now. It’s going to
take time to get fit & I’ve got roughly 8 weeks before our 1st
game so every little will help. The difference between my last attempts in the
gym & now is I have a huge motivation/goal to keep me going. After the
session I was buzzing with positive energy but physically I was shattered &
hurting. Fibro popped by once more to remind me who’s in charge & I ended
up crashed out asleep for most of the afternoon but at least I’d fought back
& got to the gym - That for me was a huge win. I did one more gym session this week as I needed to see
where I was at with things & how much I could do, again I was met with the same results mentally feel good physically err not so much before crashing out. I know this is likely to be how things are for me after going to the gym no matter what I do. I accept that & as long as I see weight loss I can cope with the fatigue/pain.
9th May Week #4 A much better session today (wasn’t
exactly hard after last week’s puking). I threw myself in to all the drills
& my hips weren’t as tight as usual so that was a bonus. I lasted the whole
session apart from the 4th quarter drill which was just a bit too
much for me. At the end of the session, I was completely exhausted & my Chronic
Fatigue was really kicking off, I could barely lift my feet to walk back to the
car let alone carry my kit bag as I had no strength. I shuffled across the field & every step hurt masses,
but I was more worried about if anyone saw me. At times like this it’s really
hard living with a hidden illness that exhausts you especially when you play
something like American Football as I didn’t want the boys to see how hard I
was struggling to even move & have them think less of you (especially when
you identify as female). Thankfully, my
neighbour recently bought a hot tub & because he has worse mobility issues
than I do I often take his dog out to give him a break, so he lets me use his
hot tub. Hitting the hot tub was pure bliss today as I was so sore by the time
I got back to my flat.
Monday – Saturday I hit the gym again & pushed a
little bit harder than last week. After the gym I spent most of afternoon
asleep recovering from this session. I guess for some people it must seem weird
that only 50 minutes of cardio work results in me sleeping for hours but this
is what happens with chronic fatigue syndrome. Thankfully, I wasn’t getting the
painful flare ups of fibro, but I did notice one thing today which was I’m bruising
at hell of a lot easier than I did when I was 33. I guess years of HRT will do
that to do. I will admit that there was a sense of pride at being bruised again
as I saw it as a war wound
I ended up hitting the gym on the Tuesday & Wednesday as
well this week. I also attended a mid-week training session on Wed’s night
& by the end of Wed’s night I realised I’d pushed myself too far as I was in
masses of pain. Before I went to bed & had to double down on my pain/fibro
meds – who’s smart Idea was this to play football again? (Oh yeah mine). I spent most of Thursday in bed as I was
physically exhausted so I was definitely going to have to look at what I can
& can’t do. I normally sleep around 8 -9 hours a night but after Wednesday’s
evening session, I was out for 12 hours & struggled to do anything all day when I did eventually get up.
16th May Week #5 - Sometimes you gotta get put on your ass for a bit of motivation going forward 😂. I woke up to rain hammering it down, this was going to be my first wet weather session in forever & I ended up loving every second of it. I got put on my ass by Cadan at one point 😂 as I got up all I could say was fucking good hit (if you end up on the deck you gotta respect the hit that put you there - especially if its done by a team mate). Today I had a few compliments saying that it looked like I was moving better - I guess that means the gym & football must be paying off
I'm still not where I want to be (after 5 weeks what do I expect?) but I know I got 5 more weeks to keep on pushing forward & make positive changes. I didn't get any reps in scrimmage today & that really pissed me off because due to covid protocols scrimmage was so short. Not getting any reps lit a fire in me & I decided I was going to push myself a bit more with cardio stuff in gym next week. One positive was after 4 weeks of not being able to do 4th quarter drills I finally took part. I ran the 1st set of drills before having to pull out - asking a lineman to run in full kit downhill is not a good idea. By the end of the session I was in lots of pain but I'm loving football which can't be a bad thing.
I've now reached the halfway point before our 1st game & its unreal to think that 6 weeks ago I was not really even thinking about playing this year at all. Now I'm battling through constant pain & fatigue to try to play the sport I love. I'm going to do something I rarely do...I'm going to give myself some credit because I've stuck with it & given it my all. I know going forward things are more than likely going to get harder as its usually around now that my fibro really starts to kick off. Before I was diagnosed with fibro I used to try to swim & I was fine until I hit the 6 week mark & then my body would become exhausted more than normal ( I learn this was boom & bust) so I am really going to have to watch what I do going forward & make sure I find some sort of balance between exercise & rest if I want to actually play in a game.
Anyway thanks for reading this blog, next time I'm going to look a bit more into how fibro actually effects me when I have a flare up.
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