Blog #3 - Pre-season (pt. 2) & How Fibro affects me
17th May I
woke up today & decided to do something I haven’t been able to do in years.
I tried on one of my 3xl t-shirts & was amazed to find out that it wasn’t
super skin-tight. This left me feeling amazing as it was clear both the
football & gym were working. I posted a picture of me up online & I was
hit with a flood of compliments from friends. Some of the compliments really
meant a lot as I actually got told I was inspiring others, I also got comments
from some of my childhood heroes (who are now friends that had big bands in the
90’s) that also made me feel like I was getting somewhere with this new
outlook.
I’d like to side-track a touch if
I may… if you’ve been reading the blog then you’ll be aware of my efforts to
play football once more & that I suffer with a few conditions which I’ve
touched on in previous posts. I’d like to go into a bit more detail about how
Fibromyalgia / Chronic Fatigue Syndrome effect’s me as it was during weeks 6
-10 that I found myself struggling more with it & I had to really look at
what I could do if I wanted to carry on playing football. Right so what is Fibro (I’m going to refer to it as
that from now on as my dyslexic ass finds it tiring enough writing this blog
let alone trying to spell the bloody word).
This is the definition from the NHS website Fibromyalgia
syndrome (FMS), is a long-term condition that causes pain all over the body
As well as widespread pain, people with fibromyalgia may also have:
·
increased sensitivity to pain
·
extreme tiredness (fatigue)
·
muscle stiffness
·
difficulty sleeping
·
problems with mental processes (known as
"fibro-fog"), such as problems with memory and concentration.
·
headaches
·
irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), a digestive
condition that causes stomach pain and bloating.
How Fibromyalgia is treated: Although
there’s currently no cure for fibromyalgia, there are treatments to help
relieve some of the symptoms and make the condition easier to live with.
Treatment tends to be a combination of:
·
Medicine, such as antidepressants and painkillers
·
Talking therapies, such as cognitive behaviour
therapy (CBT) and counselling
·
Lifestyle changes, such as exercise programmes and
relaxation techniques
Exercise in particular has been found to have a
number of important benefits for people with fibromyalgia including helping to
reduce pain.
What causes fibromyalgia?
The exact cause of fibromyalgia is unknown, but
it’s thought to be related to abnormal levels of certain chemicals in the brain
and the changes in the way the central nervous system (the brain, spinal cord
and nerves) process pain messages around the body. It’s also suggested that
some people are more likely to develop fibromyalgia because of genes inherited
from their parents.
In many cases the condition appears to be triggered
by a physically or emotionally stressful event such as:
·
an injury or infection
·
giving birth
·
having an operation
·
the breakdown of a relationship
·
the death of a loved one
Who’s affected: Anyone
can develop fibromyalgia, although it affects around 7 times as many women as
men. The condition typically develops between the ages of 30 and 50, but can
occur in people of any age and the elderly .It’s not clear exactly how many
people are affected by fibromyalgia, although research has suggested it could
be a relatively common condition. Some estimates suggest nearly 1 in 20 people
may be affected by fibromyalgia to some degree. One of the main reasons it’s
not clear how many people are affected is because fibromyalgia can be a
difficult condition to diagnose. There is no specific test for the condition,
and the symptoms can be similar to a number of other conditions.
Now we’ve covered the definitions blah, blah, blah I’m going
to talk about how I feel when I have a flare up. Before I start this, I do want
to say it took me years to get diagnosed with fibro. I had to see my GP so many
times & have blood tests, try numerous different pain killers & only
when all options where exhausted was I referred to the pain management clinic.
Even then I spent nearly another 8 months to a year before I got a diagnosis.
During that time, I had to have lots of work on my mental health as they needed
to look back on my life to see what may have triggered my fibro. I don’t really
want to go into things too much, but I had a very traumatic childhood with some
extreme PTSD, my divorce & my kids moving away led to years of court
battles & my ex-wife poisoning my kids against me when I came out as trans.
False accusations in court systems by my ex who refused to let me see my other
daughter. The whole coming out as trans & how much my life went to shit,
losing about 75% of my family because I was trans as well as numerous overdoses
before I got diagnosed with emotional dysregulation disorder (a form of
Borderline Personality Disorder). There has been so much stress and trauma in
my life that I’m amazed I’m still here writing this. Ok, so that’s the
potential causes looked at.
So how does the pain side of things affect me? The best way I can describe a fibro flare up is… it feels like when you’ve got a flu bug & everything hurts, is stiff & sore (only a lot worse). It's kinda like man flu pain & discomfort on steroids. I’m going to describe the day from moment I wake up, I wake up just hurting barely able to roll out of bed, it can take me as long as 10 minutes to get myself up at times & if I’m real bad I need Rachel to help me actually get up as I’m pretty weak. If I can make it to the toilet on my own every step hurts & sends pain all the way through my body (like an extreme jab every step). Making a mug of tea when I’m this bad is a total no no as I’m a danger to myself. Due to being so weak I don’t always have the energy to hold items, holding a mug of tea takes masses of effort but holding a kettle is too much & if my grip fails me (which it does at times when I’m at my worst) then I’d rather not have boiling water over me. If I decide to get up, then Rachel will more than likely have to help me get dressed as my hands aren’t working right & bending down is just too painful. If I’m up, I’ll end up lying down on the sofa & just lie there watching TV or listening to music until the pain passes or my painkillers kick in. Even when the pain killers kick in, I’m still in pain as it never really goes away, I just find myself getting into a position where I can function somewhat. How long does this last? I can’t really answer that as every flare up is different, I also get fibro fog which is where I can barely even string a sentence together as I a) can’t think what I’m trying to say & b) say the damn words.
For those of you who play football the feeling of my normal (after painkillers) is what you generally feel like when you are in shitloads of pain & sore the day after a game. If I’m having a flare up when I’m on my own at my place then it usually results in me just going from my bedroom to bathroom & back again until I can move. I’ve recently invested in a massage gun to help me deal with the muscle stiffness when I have flare up’s, but it’s become more of an everyday thing first thing in the morning to try to help me move. Even on days when I’m not suffering flare up’s I’m dealing with a lower level of fibro problems. I live in an upstairs first floor flat & although I can go up the stairs, normally I cannot walk down the staircase like a normal person. I have to crab walk sideways down every staircase as my hips just won’t have it. One of the other issues I suffer with from when I’m having a flare up is temperature regulation. I’m either freezing cold & unable to get warm or I’m running a fever.
With Covid raging & the government advice saying a fever is a sign of covid I’ve spent much of the last 15 months or so near constantly dealing with questioning if I’m having a flare up or have I picked up Covid. Thankfully, I’ve had both my jabs now so chances of me getting it should be reduced. Although in the NHS blurb they say exercise is good for fibro there is a very fine line between just the right amount (which can exhaust me) & overdoing it which sends off a huge flare up. As I’ve come to learn from trial & error during these second half of pre-season a good session in the gym will result in my chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) knocking me out for most of the afternoon when I finish at lunch & a full on session which can knock me out for days (if it’s real bad). I have been learning what I need to do to make sure I reduce the impact of a full-on fibro flare up after training which involves massage guns, hot tubs, painkillers & no late nights. Does it work all the time? No, nothings fool proof & if I’m having a really bad time, even if I go to bed early there is no guarantee I’ll sleep. At my worst, I’ll be constantly tossing & turning every 2 minutes as I can’t get comfortable which will make me exhausted & my fibro worse as I haven’t got any rest.
To be honest, I don’t really like going on about my fibro as there are people out there dealing with way worse than me & I guess I’ve just come to accept it’s a part of me I’ve just got to live with & manage as best I can. So yeah, some days just fucking suck & are a write off due to the pain & in many ways being beaten up playing football probably isn’t the smartest way to get my exercise, but it works for me. Yes, I feel exhausted & in shitloads of pain after training & usually that night have crap sleep leading to a flare up the next day, but here’s the but… mentally I feel really great about being able to battle through all of this to play football. Maybe it’s because I had it taken away that it means so much - I don’t know, what I do know is the good feeling I get from being around my team-mates & slowly getting fitter is helping get through the flare up’s better- Anyway, enough about my fibro issues, I hope you now get the idea of what I’m dealing with when I mention fibro flare up as it will come up again. Right let’s get back to some positive stuff regarding me & football shall we?
Over the halfway point now & I'm moving better with each week. The gym work appears to be working as I can now get into my 3pt stance which I couldn't do 5 weeks ago 😀. Today we ran the Shute & well... Jeff made a comment about he was too tall for it to which I made a smart assed comment before finding out that I wasn't exactly good at getting under it either. I had to pull myself under to much laughter from the rest of the o-line 😀 (ah well always happy to make a fool of myself). I waddled through the shute as my gut made it hard for me to keep low & it felt like it took about 30 mins to move the small distance to the end, but I wasn't gonna be deterred.
I kept plugging away at it & found that I
actually really enjoyed it despite not being very quick - I thought I'd hate
the thing. Got a shit load of reps in scrimmage before the cold got to my back
just before 4th quarter drill as the rain got heavier.
I took a picture today to see if I looked like I'd
lost weight from 5 weeks ago. I let you lot be the judge of it 😁. (on the left week #1 on the right today week #6).
24th -30th May I hit the gym a couple of times this week doing some weights as well & made a very tiring mistake for me. I went to mid-week training on Wednesday evening after hitting the gym earlier that day. What I quickly learnt was my hips did not want to move very much & I was exhausted very quickly. I really need to make sure I have decent rest between activities, as it’s clear I just can’t do what I did today. The next day fibro kicked my ass due to pushing things too much so I’m now going to adjust what days I go to the gym & if I do any work on a midweek training day then it will be very light.
30th May Week #7 🏈 Today was a real battle, I won't lie. I really
struggled today at training as it was the 1st time I'd trained in any sort of
warm weather since I was 33. Obviously, I'm carrying a hell of a lot more
weight & that really affected me today. I couldn't seem to take much air on
& my mouth was so dry that when I put my gum shield in, I started retching
before throwing up again 🤮🤯
Normally when I'm sick I go one of 2 ways, feel better or feel worse.
Today was a lot worse as everything seemed to hurt 10 times more. I'm going to
take a positive here with things because last time I threw up it pretty much
ended my session & I hated that. This time I was determined that wasn't going
to happen again, so I took a few mins off whilst getting my shit together
before getting back in & doing the drills (see progress). Yes, I was
hurting all over & felt like shit but I wasn't prepared to call it a day or
have anyone think she can't take it.
What was pleasing about the puking thing was Darryn making a rather
choice comment about gag reflexes & me 😂. I think it showed
that a) I'm going to be able to take any comments on the field in my stride
& b) that the boys can take the piss when needed or if I deserve it &
I'll laugh with them 😂.
So, scrimmage became another battle of wills between when it finished or
if my body gave out. Happy to say I stuck it out & although nowhere near my
best or the standards I expect of myself I can at least see this as a win in
not quitting 😀.
One thing I did realise today was how much my massage gun has become a
huge part of me being able to play football. Normally I'd massage aching body
parts night before training (well I do every evening & morning) & then
1st thing in morning to loosen my hips/back up. Well, my gun broke Wednesday
night & it wasn't until after today’s session that I realised how much not
having it had impacted me as I felt so stiff & sore today (before being
sick). There was no way I could carry on like this so that night I ordered
another gun so I can get back on track & I’ll just have to deal with the
pain until the new gun turns up but I won’t moan as it's my choice to do 🏈 & I won't moan as I 💙 it.
3 more sessions to go before 1st game 😁
6th June Week #8 After spending most of yesterday asleep due to chronic
fatigue & being asleep by 21.30, I wasn't feeling very confident about
today's session. I woke up still exhausted & thinking today was going to be
a right slog, but I found myself doing much better than I expected & had a
rather good session - I've been told numerous times to tell people if I'm struggling but I really do have a problem with this. I don't like admitting I'm struggling in training (I will in a game as my ego isn't that huge) or that this damn illness is getting the better of me. It's been hard enough coming back as it is & the last thing I want is to be overly girly & pull out. I know the guys won't say anything but I don't want to be seen any less than the rest of the boys even though I'm no longer as strong as them. In all honesty its a bit of a head fuck I've got to come to terms with & I know I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to struggling with fibro & football as I have no problem any other time admitting I need to rest Look at me trying to be all macho 😂 I got some offensive reps in scrimmage before switching to
the other side & joining the Defence 😀 thanks for
having me guys. I won't shout it too loud, but I don't mind playing a bit of D
& as far as I'm concerned getting reps & being versatile isn't a bad
thing as I need all the reps I can get right now 😀. It was also nice
to hear a couple of the guys say they can see I'm looking like I've lost weight
so the training & gym is working. 2 more sessions to go before 1st game, OK
Fibro I'm sore & in pain you can have your win now.
20th June Week #10 End of the line – Well it’s week
10 & I’ve made it all the way through our pre-season to the last full
kitted session until our 1st game. My preparation for today’s
session was not how I planned it. Yesterday I spent all but 4 hours in bed due
to a huge fibro flare up & by night-time I was running a fever again. I
ended up doing a covid test as 2 of our players had picked it up the week
before (thankfully I was clear). I crashed out asleep in no time & woke up
the next morning still feeling like shit (here we go again). Today was very
humid & getting air was very difficult, I was also suffering badly from
yesterday but as usual I didn’t say anything to anyone as I don’t want them
going easy on me. I even managed the full warm up today (better late than
never) 😁.
Today I repped at right tackle & it became clear that I’m not fast
enough to play there (Maybe next year once I’ve had my surgery & lost
weight). I know right now I’m more suited to playing guard which is where I
started out as a rookie. In many ways this season has been like a rookie season
for me (at least physically). I’ve had the advantage of knowing what I’m doing,
but a huge draw back of my physical state & age.
By the end of the session, I was shattered but feeling very proud as I’d achieved what I set out to do. I also spoke to Richard & said there was zero point in him talking to the team like he had planned to do when he asked how we wanted to deal with me being transgendered (way back in week #2). We both agreed there was no point in bringing something up that has never been an issue since I came back. I can’t speak highly enough about how the guys have accepted me onto the team & treated me the same as one of the boys (which was all I could ever ask for). I never wanted any special treatment & I haven’t had any which is great. Will I be treated differently in games? Who knows & to be honest I don’t care as I’ll be on the field doing what I love.
Looking back at my journey… 11 weeks ago I came back to the club with the intention of being an assistant coach. I had thought about maybe running along side the guys in a few drills & seeing if over the course of a full year I could get some sort of fitness to possibly be able to kit up once more in 2022. On that Sunday when I 1st turned up to the training session, I never thought that I’d be here now having completed a pre-season. Sometimes life takes you on a journey you never saw coming. I’m so thankful that Darryn, Lewis & Alex talked me back into playing (ok it didn’t take much convincing) as it’s given me back something I thought I’d lost for ever. As much as I love playing the game, being part of a team is just as important to me & I’ve had just as much fun laughing & joking with my team-mates as I have running drills. So here we are 11 weeks ago I was talked back into playing football or at least trying, If I’m honest I didn’t really give myself much of a chance as I was so unfit but over the last 10 weeks with the help & encouragement of my team-mates, I’ve gone from being someone who was so unfit & unable to get into a 3pt stance to someone who is slightly less unfit & can get into a 3pt stance. Prior to week #1 it had been 10 years since I played football & at age 43, I knew this was going to be really difficult for me to pull this off. There have been moments where I have doubted my ability to get to this point, but they’ve only been moments. I’ve battled through fibro flare up’s, days where I could barely walk before & after training sessions as I was in so much pain. I’ve thrown up on more than one occasion, been bruised & battered, made some horrendous errors or made a fool of myself, but all the way through I’ve kept smiling. I’ve busted my ass to the point of breaking myself every session & dealt with the pain afterwards with no complaints. I’d like to thank all of the Monarchs for accepting me on to the team, especially Ryan, Jeff & the Offensive Line. You guys have laughed at me, encouraged me & pushed me when I needed it, but most importantly you’ve given me the time to get myself back into the groove.
During week #1 I took a picture of myself kitted up as I wanted a memory
of me trying to come back in case I physically couldn’t complete pre-season. I
said I would take another picture during the last week of training to see if
there was much difference in my physical appearance after all the sessions. I
know how much weight I’ve lost as of today (21/6/21) but I’m not going to weigh
myself for my final total until Saturday 26th as that’s the day
before our 1st game – The final result was I dropped from 172Kg to
165Kg or 379lbs to 363lb a total of 16lbs 💙😁. So with that I hit the target I was
aiming for & with any luck I’ll drop some more as the season goes on.
Being back around the boys has been amazing for my mental health. I’ve
committed to something & fought my own personal battles to be where I am
now, no one can take that away from me. I’m finding a balance in my life &
managing my fibro/cfs in a way that I’ve never done before. Yes, the flare up’s
suck, but I can get through them a bit easier as I know that the pain that
causes it is helping me lose weight & get me fitter for my impending
surgery (which will help me recover quicker & lose more weight).
It still seems unreal how much things have turned
around in the last 3 months. I’ve got football back, made new friends, got old
friends back, but most importantly I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. We are now
one week away from a new chapter of American football in Cornwall. I was there
at the beginning of the Cornish Sharks when they 1st formed &
played their 1st game, & now I’m going to be there when the
Cornwall Monarchs play their 1st game. In many ways things have come
full circle for me.
Thanks for reading this post & next time I’m
going to cover the 1st two games of our season. Roll on next Sunday
as I can’t wait to kit up for real for the 1st time in years. All photos of me in week 10 playing are by Izzy Ninnis
Comments
Post a Comment